SelenaBeltran

There comes a time when one stops selling oneself as a promise and starts offering oneself as a reality. I am at that age. I don't have the body of a magazine cover, nor do I want to apologize for that. I have something else, something more dangerous: I know when a look is no longer politeness, and I know how long it takes for my body to respond when someone stops asking for permission with subtle hints..

If you are reading this, I don't want you to idealize me.. I want you to stay long enough to see the change.. At first, I might seem reserved.. I speak slowly. I'm settled. I look at you the way one looks at someone who hasn't yet proven whether they're here to participate or just to observe.. After that, if there's a current, it's noticeable on my mouth.. My voice trembles.. I stop adjusting my hair and start adjusting my legs.. That is the signal.. I'm not "creating content" there anymore.”. There I am, turned on, negotiating with myself about how much I'm going to show you before you ask me to show you everything..

I like sex that starts in the head. A precise comment. A command whispered softly. That they tell me what they want to see, not in the format of a restaurant menu, but as you would say to a woman when her breathing is already becoming shallow: open up a little more, don't close your knees, look at the camera as if you were looking at me. That excites me more than any decoration. Vulgarity, when well presented, seems elegant to me. Cheap haste turns me off..

In my space, I don't come to recite virtues. I come to explain how I work. I get excited by intelligent persistence. By the man who doesn't need to belittle me to feel powerful, but also isn't afraid when I become explicit. I can be sweet for two minutes and then, on the third, have my fingers where it feels good. That contradiction isn't a trick: it's my rhythm. First, the heat. Then, the lack of shame..

There are days when I want you to see me masturbating, without any embellishments, up close, with the familiarity of someone who no longer represents desire, but simply has it. There are days when I want you to talk to me as if you were going to enter me, even if you can only do it with your voice. And there are days—the best days—when I stop asking myself if it "looks good" and I only pursue the tremor. When I get there, it shows. I don't act out the orgasm. I seek it. If it doesn't happen, I don't invent it. I prefer you to see me frustrated and real than happy and fake..

I also like the game of dirty patience. Let me be made to wait. Let me be asked to touch and then stop. Let me be forced to describe what I feel when I no longer want to use nice words. To say "fuck," to say "wet," to say "put it in." That freedom of vocabulary, at my age, is not rebellion. It's relief. I'm no longer trying to prove that I'm a "good woman who sometimes misbehaves." I'm at the point where what's bad feels right..

I promise to be present. If you come with me, you will notice that I am listening to you. That I don't spout clichés while looking at another screen. That if you ask me for something I can do, I will do it with enthusiasm, not with a bored expression. And that if I don't do something, I will tell you without dramatizing. There is an erotic honesty that seems more intimate to me than any impossible promise..

My body responds to the details. To the mouth. To the insistence on the same spot. To the oil when there's already heat. To them looking at the expression on my face when I'm putting my fingers in, not just "the surface." I like them to see me lose my composure. That's my vanity, if you want to call it that: not the vanity of my figure, but the vanity of it being noticeable that something is really happening to me..

If you stay, I ask you only one thing: don't treat me like a menu or like a woman disguised as a fantasy. Treat me like a woman who knows how to have sex with her head and with her hands. The rest will come naturally. Sometimes slowly. Sometimes so fast that you don't even have time to write it down. In both cases, when I get turned on, I stop being a profile and become a presence. And that is the only reason why it's worth it for you to have read this far..