What issexual maturity in a relationship? Does it happen after you’ve been together for a long time, or only if you’ve had countless lovers and many sexual experiences? It’s not that simple, says sex therapist and counselor Julia Cole. So here are the five secrets of sexually mature couples…
“Sexually mature couples have come to accept who they really are and have created a sex life of their own: it’s not the one they think they should have.”
Julia describes below the five key elements that define the relationship of a sexually mature couple. Are you one of them?
1 – They embrace variety
This can mean seizing the unexpected moment to have quick sex. Taking the time and trouble to plan a sexy night out; dressing up and acting out/fulfilling fantasies; or making love in the car like you did when you were teenagers (fond memories) – anything that gets you out of your usual love life. Sexually mature couples don’t wait for sex to “happen”, they make an effort to adapt it to their lives.
“It’s important to try different things to keep your sex life from becoming boring, but there’s another important reason,” explains Julia Cole. “Learning to adapt sexually is essential in a mature relationship, because it prepares you for change.”
“If you have a baby, for example, or if one of you gets sick, you’ll have to figure out how to have a sex life around that. So many couples sexually do the same thing over and over again, and then they fade away when things change and they don’t know how to catch up with their sex life.”
2 – Do both partners take the initiative?
Not only is this an important element of the sexual variety mentioned above, it’s essential if you want to avoid those power plays that dominate more immature relationships.
“If one partner always starts sex, always makes the first move, then it becomes a game of power and control. One partner always asks and the other can always say ‘no’,” says Julia. “Soon, you enter a situation where sex is used as a punishment – by refusing it – or as a reward – by giving it.”
Sexually mature couples who feel able to ask for or refuse sex on equal terms are also able to avoid feeling hurt by having a refusal: “They recognize that it’s the ‘law’ that’s being refused, not them personally, so it’s not such a big deal,” Julia explains.
3 – They like the “total gift
Total giving means being able to indulge in the experience of having sex. How many times has your mind wandered to mundane things like having tea while you’re having sex? Maybe you can never relax enough to have an orgasm, or you want to ask your partner to do something special, but you never do.
Feeling safe within your sexual relationship comes from accepting each other, exactly as you are. “Some people hold back elements of themselves in their sexual relationships and have to ask themselves why,” Julia explains. Are they worried that the relationship isn’t safe? Are they afraid of getting pregnant or of a particular problem? These concerns need to be identified and addressed with your partner before you can enjoy total giving, without it being emotional or sexual dependence.
4 – They consider their partner’s pleasure
You can officially consider yourself sexually mature if you can truly say you put as much effort into your partner’s sexual pleasure as your own. “Focusing entirely on your own needs and treating your partner as an afterthought is one of the most obvious signs of sexual immaturity,” says Julia.
To become sexually mature, you need to understand who you are in the context of the relationship and get to know your partner outside of sex. That’s why you’re unlikely to have good sex with someone you only met last night.
Since this kind of deep connection with a partner can’t happen instantly, it may take weeks or even months before you can put as much effort into pleasing your partner as you do yourself.
“This also explains why you can have a sexually mature relationship even if you’ve only ever had one love interest,” Julia adds.
5 – They leave shame behind
By accepting to say who you are, you remove one of the main obstacles to good sex. For many women, embarrassment about their bodies can be the main obstacle holding them back from pleasure. Sometimes a major life change, such as having a baby, can make a woman more comfortable with her body; for others, having a supportive partner, or simply getting older and accepting how you look, can make all the difference to letting go during sex.
Sometimes, feelings of sexual insecurity can stem from our fears of not doing it as well or as often as others.
Julia advises, “Tell yourself: I’m not going to worry about what I’ve been told or heard about what makes good or bad sex.”. Remember that, while it’s interesting to experiment, you also have the right to refuse anything you don’t like, whether or not you’re told that “everyone else is doing it”.
