Marriage is a minefield. Here’s how to avoid the most common mistakes and keep the flame alive.
The most useful marriage advice, the one you can actually follow in times of need, is rarely obvious. It’s not the “never go to bed angry” kind. No, the best advice is the kind that doesn’t come to you right away. It’s the kind you have to earn over the years by making mistakes and gritting your teeth. Let us save you the trouble. Consider these seven “counterintuitive” tips for building a stronger marriage-the kind you and your partner deserve.
1 – Don’t be too optimistic
The Norman Vincent Peale approach that many men embrace – that positive expectations inspire positive results – dooms many marriages to failure.
People fall into the trap of thinking that, just because they’re biologically attracted to each other at the start of a relationship, the problems that arise in marriage will be solved. Wrong! Couples need to develop a more realistic picture of the relationship, and an understanding of individual responsibility is required for marriage to work.
Consider this study of newly married couples at the University of Florida. Seventy-seven couples were recruited to undergo a battery of questions and interviews about marital happiness; they repeated the program every 6 months for 4 years. Among participants with low relationship skills, those with high expectations of harmony showed a dramatic decline in marital satisfaction over the first four years of marriage. Those who had married with lower expectations, however, were more likely to report being happy in their relationships.
2 – Learn to fight
Maybe it’s the way he never makes the bed, the way she talks about you to her friends or the close buddy he/she has at work that irritates you sometimes. But you’re too sophisticated and understanding to lose your temper. Why brood and ruin your night?
In fact, some researchers say that arguing is one of the healthiest things a couple can do. Research from the University of Denver’s Center for Marital and Family Studies suggests that couples who argue are more likely to be satisfied with their marriages than couples who withdraw from conflict altogether. But don’t do it on purpose either!
Conflict is generally understood as win or lose. And in that context, it’s unattractive and dangerous. But conflict is actually a signal from the relationship saying: “Something has to change. Be careful here”. And once you understand that, conflict can become the doorway to more intimacy in all areas: emotional, sexual, spiritual and intellectual.
Marriage coaches regularly tell couples not to compromise, tolerate or simply put up with each other. There’s an insidious silence that accompanies compromise. It’s really, in the long run, very debilitating. It eliminates the potential of the relationship. Worse still, it only produces a false tranquillity.
But there are right and wrong ways to argue (throwing a can of soup out the kitchen window would be a mistake). As soon as you realize you’re upset, you should take a step back. You can’t work on a relationship when everything is urgent. So put off the discussion for an hour or a day. Once you’re calm, focused and efficient, you can accomplish anything.
3 – Being selfish
Admit it. Like most men, you’re selfish. It’s all about you, you, you and you feel guilty for being so shallow. Some women come to this, too, often out of spite.
Well, go ahead: be selfish. You absolutely must take care of yourself first. When at weddings, the priest talks about “becoming one”, it actually creates a lose-lose situation for both parties. The submissive person loses herself, and the dominant person loses the person she fell in love with.
Being selfish is a mature and proactive behavior (within reason, though, isn’t it?), because it prevents you from becoming dependent on your partner for your happiness. What’s more, it avoids the guilt of eating the last slice of pizza.
Three healthy ways to be selfish:
- buy something you really want without consulting your partner,
- find a passion that’s yours alone,
- spend time with friends who aren’t your wife’s or husband’s friends. Push yourself to see friends every week to have a good time on your own.
4 – Forget sex for a while
Be honest, now: has sex always been damn good? But if the bedroom is the only place where you’re happy and connected on an intimate level, you’ve got a major problem on your hands.
A University of Iowa study shows that the happiest couples are those with similar personality traits, even if they have negative traits like contentiousness or irresponsibility. Couples participating in the study reported that having similar personalities accounted for marital satisfaction in 46% of cases.
But even if you’re like oil and water, having a common interest you can participate in seems to be a key element of a strong marriage. Other studies have shown that couples who exercise together at the gym have more activity in the bedroom. Yet another study found that wives and husbands in long-term marriages considered sharing a sense of humor to be essential to marital happiness. However, if the bedroom isn’t your spearhead, don’t miss our easy solutions for lasting (much) longer.
5 – Say no to too much empathy
This is the famous “me too” response, it’s a huge barrier to real communication. ” She says, “I had a horrible day at work today.” And you say, “Me too. Listen to what just happened. Now, the person who was originally trying to communicate a problem has been pushed away.
Men do this all the time, and they think they’re being empathetic and helpful.
The other communication mistake men make is only listening to problems that need solutions. Where women tend to be “weaker”, men tend to be “fixers”. But what women really want is for you to commit to sitting down and listening.
In other words, shut up, bow your head compassionately and absorb what she’s saying. The perfect all-purpose response: “I understand. I’m on your side. What can I do to help you feel better?”.
6 – Offer bribes
Remember when you tried desperately to put yourself in his shoes? You showered him with flowers, candy, gifts, romantic getaways… So, what’s changed in 10 years of marriage?
Giving small, frequent tokens of your affection will maximize your marriage. For example, exchange lists of six things you and your partner could do in under 30 seconds to be happy.
These “bribes” don’t have to be material to be effective. Wipe the dishes, fold the laundry, pay the bills, walk your dog. The smallest gestures can sometimes yield the greatest rewards.
7 – Take out the trash
We all bring certain experiences to our relationships, and we all have certain expectations of how marriage is supposed to work. The problem is, these aren’t necessarily the same experiences and expectations as our halves.
Here’s an example from a husband: “Years ago, I was driving with a feminist activist friend in her 40s. She’d been married for about 10 years. We were on our way to a meeting when she started complaining that her husband wasn’t taking out the trash. I said, “Well, did you ask him?”. And she turned her head and said, “No! I shouldn’t have to ask him. He should know! So I asked, “How should he know?”. And she said, “My father has always taken out the garbage”. Of course, the problem was that her husband hadn’t grown up in her family. Too often, we expect our spouse to automatically know what we’re thinking or feeling. It just doesn’t work that way.
Falling into habits of the past can also cause problems for couples seeking to overcome a relationship difficulty.
The Chinese definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting a different result. It’s essential that people identify and break their patterns of reaction. You can’t move forward and grow as a couple unless you try different approaches to solving a recurring problem. If you’re someone who wants more closeness with your partner, give him or her more space. If you’re still looking for more space, force yourself to stay close. Only by taking a different approach can you achieve a different result.
