When a couple tries to reinvigorate their sex life, the implicit goal is often to figure out how to do it more often. This is a mistake. There’s a lot of emphasis on frequency as a marker of a good sex life.
How often couples should have sex depends very much on the individuals involved and how much sex feels good to each of them. But one problem some couples may encounter when trying to seek out the “right amount” of sex is how often they do it. Mistake.
What counts as sex, anyway?
In relationships between men and women, couples often think of sex as penis-in-vagina intercourse. So when you’re trying to improve or ignite your sex life, the unspoken goal of the effort is how to make that particular act happen more often. Classic mistake.
This narrow focus often misses the whole point of having sex in the first place. The whole point of sex is to share pleasure with your partner and feel connected in the process. So if you focus on performing a certain act, you’re focusing on the wrong thing, not to mention creating a kind of pressure that can even dampen libido.
Good sex isn’t about doing certain things with certain body parts. It’s about knowing how good you can make your body feel and enjoying the heights of eroticism, intimacy and connection as a couple.
How to really improve your sex life
Spend intimate time together, without pressure to achieve a goal or do a certain thing.
You can always try to increase the frequency with which you’re intimate as a couple, but the idea is to enter into these moments without expecting it to lead to a certain sexual act or result. Lie in bed and touch each other’s bodies sensually. Indulge yourself on the sofa. Dress up, have a romantic dinner and enjoy the feeling of finding each other attractive. Turn each other on. Look for ways to generate electricity or immerse yourselves in a moment of tender intimacy. Focus on how connected and exhilarated you feel.
The key here is to be fully present in these moments rather than thinking about what should follow. Sex is like going to the playground. It’s the getting out that counts, not the slide down. We don’t need a schedule. You can be inspired by the moment and do what you feel like doing. The truth is, you literally can’t fail. Any shared desire like this is a success.
