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Marriage is a minefield. Here\u2019s how to avoid the most common mistakes and keep the flame alive.<\/strong><\/p>\n <\/p>\n The most useful marriage advice, the one you can actually follow in times of need, is rarely obvious. It\u2019s not the \u00ab\u00a0never go to bed angry\u00a0\u00bb kind. No, the best advice is the kind that doesn\u2019t come to you right away. It\u2019s the kind you have to earn over the years by making mistakes and gritting your teeth. Let us save you the trouble. Consider these seven \u00ab\u00a0counterintuitive\u00a0\u00bb tips for building a stronger marriage-the kind you and your partner deserve.<\/p>\n The Norman Vincent Peale approach that many men embrace \u2013 that positive expectations inspire positive results \u2013 dooms many marriages to failure.<\/p>\n People fall into the trap of thinking that, just because they\u2019re biologically attracted to each other at the start of a relationship, the problems that arise in marriage will be solved. Wrong! Couples need to develop a more realistic picture of the relationship, and an understanding of individual responsibility is required for marriage to work.<\/p>\n Consider this study of newly married couples at the University of Florida. Seventy-seven couples were recruited to undergo a battery of questions and interviews about marital happiness; they repeated the program every 6 months for 4 years. Among participants with low relationship skills, those with high expectations of harmony showed a dramatic decline in marital satisfaction over the first four years of marriage. Those who had married with lower expectations, however, were more likely to report being happy in their relationships.<\/p>\n Maybe it\u2019s the way he never makes the bed, the way she talks about you to her friends or the close buddy he\/she has at work that irritates you sometimes. But you\u2019re too sophisticated and understanding to lose your temper. Why brood and ruin your night?<\/p>\n In fact, some researchers say that arguing is one of the healthiest things a couple can do. Research from the University of Denver\u2019s Center for Marital and Family Studies suggests that couples who argue are more likely to be satisfied with their marriages than couples who withdraw from conflict altogether. But don\u2019t do it on purpose either!<\/p>\n Conflict is generally understood as win or lose. And in that context, it\u2019s unattractive and dangerous. But conflict is actually a signal from the relationship saying: \u00ab\u00a0Something has to change. Be careful here\u00a0\u00bb. And once you understand that, conflict can become the doorway to more intimacy in all areas: emotional, sexual, spiritual and intellectual.<\/p>\n Marriage coaches regularly tell couples not to compromise, tolerate or simply put up with each other. There\u2019s an insidious silence that accompanies compromise. It\u2019s really, in the long run, very debilitating. It eliminates the potential of the relationship. Worse still, it only produces a false tranquillity.<\/p>\n But there are right and wrong ways to argue (throwing a can of soup out the kitchen window would be a mistake). As soon as you realize you\u2019re upset, you should take a step back. You can\u2019t work on a relationship when everything is urgent. So put off the discussion for an hour or a day. Once you\u2019re calm, focused and efficient, you can accomplish anything.<\/p>\n Admit it. Like most men, you\u2019re selfish. It\u2019s all about you, you, you and you feel guilty for being so shallow. Some women come to this, too, often out of spite.<\/p>\n Well, go ahead: be selfish. You absolutely must take care of yourself first. When at weddings, the priest talks about \u00ab\u00a0becoming one\u00a0\u00bb, it actually creates a lose-lose situation for both parties. The submissive person loses herself, and the dominant person loses the person she fell in love with.<\/p>\n Being selfish is a mature and proactive behavior (within reason, though, isn\u2019t it?), because it prevents you from becoming dependent on your partner for your happiness. What\u2019s more, it avoids the guilt of eating the last slice of pizza.<\/p>\n Three healthy ways to be selfish<\/strong>:<\/p>\n Be honest, now: has sex always been damn good? But if the bedroom is the only place where you\u2019re happy and connected on an intimate level, you\u2019ve got a major problem on your hands.<\/p>\n A University of Iowa study shows that the happiest couples are those with similar personality traits, even if they have negative traits like contentiousness or irresponsibility. Couples participating in the study reported that having similar personalities accounted for marital satisfaction in 46% of cases.<\/p>\n1 \u2013 Don\u2019t be too optimistic<\/strong><\/h2>\n
2 \u2013 Learn to fight<\/strong><\/h2>\n
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3 \u2013 Being selfish<\/strong><\/h2>\n
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4 \u2013 Forget sex for a while<\/strong><\/h2>\n