Nowadays, many lawyers, craftsmen and fathers still feel ashamed and misunderstood about their attraction to trans women. However, some of them decide to confess the unspeakable. According to the 2025 report by the French Human Rights Ombudsman, 64% of transgender people in France are discriminated against because of their gender identity.
In this article, we decipher hidden desires, fears and paths to authentic relationships.
Deeper motivations, beyond fantasies
Gynephilia
Men are attracted to trans women because they embody a femininity independent of biological sex. Some men perceive this femininity as an authentic expression of their gender identity, encompassing both physical and psychological traits, such as gentleness, empathy and resilience.
Perceived hyper-femininity
Trans women often display an assumed expression of femininity, which captures the attention of some men. They take care of their appearance with an elegance that conforms to gender stereotypes. One of the many anonymous testimonials confirms this: “They embody a conquered femininity, which makes them exceptional.”
Empathy and strength
Most men admire women’s inner strength. Many are drawn to and admire the resilience trans women demonstrate in the face of the discrimination they endure. This interest stems from a deep empathy for them.
Challenging norms
Another reason for this attraction goes beyond fantasies and looks: an attraction linked to a non-binary vision of male/female relations. Some men don’t see themselves as having a fixed gender identity; their own fluidity can influence their attractions, which can be variable and not always in line with traditional binary principles.
The unspoken, taboos and contradictions
Fear of social judgment
In an interview with a journalist specializing in gender issues, one man confided, “If my colleagues knew, I’d lose my executive position.” Indeed, many men who have chosen a relationship with a trans woman live in fear of social judgment and the resulting loss of benefits. Hence the silence, and sometimes even the denial.
Toxic fetishization
The fetishization of trans people manifests itself in a sexual attraction that reduces their bodies to mere objects of desire. This poses a major problem, as this toxic fetishization still associates transidentity with sexuality or genitalia. What’s more, this idea is often used by cis men as an excuse to claim they’re not transphobic, which doesn’t guarantee respect for privacy or support for trans people’s rights.
The paradox of virility
The rejection of a relationship with a trans woman hides the fear of being perceived as gay. Such relationships raise questions for some men, who sometimes find it hard to detach themselves from the conviction that a trans woman is essentially a man. So, for them, regardless of “appearances”, sex with a trans woman would be equivalent to sex with a man.
Feminist tensions
The fear of fueling the debate between TERF (Trans-Exclusionary Radical Feminists) and inclusive feminists is a real concern for some men. Indeed, the two camps have divergent visions of gender identity and the inclusion of transgender women, creating tension and conflict within feminism.
Challenges specific to trans relationships
The weight of systemic discrimination
A relationship with a trans person can be seen as a voluntary commitment in the face of the challenges and discrimination associated with this orientation. Trans people face difficulties in accessing certain medical care and other administrative and social procedures. In the United States, for example, under Trump, trans people have faced civil status restrictions, preventing them from asserting their rights and benefiting from certain social services.
The pitfalls of invisibility
Another major challenge for trans people is the refusal of some men to publicly assume the relationship for fear of backlash. Some fear the social consequences of such a relationship, while others are more influenced by those around them. As a result, some prefer to remain discreet, or even feign transphobia.
The question of pre-transition desire
The question of pre-transition desire explores an individual’s emotions, reflections and experiences concerning his or her identity before beginning the transition process. This involves the desire to flourish with a gender identity different from the one assigned at birth. As one trans woman testifies, “Would he love me if I transitioned?”
Advice for men: towards respectful relationships
Avoid objectification
For a harmonious relationship with a trans woman, it’s essential not to reduce your partner to her body or her history. To treat her in this way would be to make her an object of desire rather than a person with feelings, thoughts and aspirations.
Educating yourself about trans realities
It’s important to understand gender dysphoria and master the vocabulary (cisgender, non-binary, etc.). This will enable you to communicate better and accompany your partner into his or her world.
Becoming an active ally
A trans/cis relationship requires support with administrative formalities (such as changing marital status). And don’t hesitate to denounce discrimination in the workplace.
Managing sexuality with respect
Managing your sexuality well is an essential key. A healthy relationship with a trans woman involves open communication about each other’s limits and desires.
In conclusion, there are still men who have reservations about publicly acknowledging a relationship with trans people. While norms of masculinity seem to make such a relationship taboo, the fact remains that a trans/cis relationship can be healthy, without undermining cis men’s masculinity. A trans/cis relationship does not need to be hidden, but requires full support and good communication on the part of cis partners. Because, whatever the appearance, a trans person is not a sex object, but a person with a heart.
