While masturbation is very common among men, the same is not necessarily true of women. 26% of women say they don’t practice onanism at all (versus 5% of men). Why such a difference? Why is female masturbation restricted?
Sexuality may be talked about more freely these days, but talking about it and doing it are two different things. And while the clitoris remains a mystery to many men, some women are no more familiar with it and don’t know how to please themselves. And yet, masturbation is known to bring many benefits to the body and the brain. Could it be that women are just as unequal as men?
Female masturbation, a subject that’s becoming more democratic… a little bit!
If talking about female masturbation was still a bit nebulous not so long ago, more and more sites and media are talking about it in order to liberate women about their sexuality. Articles, social networks, reports, podcasts… it’s everywhere. One account that provides a lot of technical information for men and women in a friendly way is Jouissance Club. This profile is a real success, as it deals with sexuality and pleasure for both men and women, with real practical advice.
If you didn’t know anything about female orgasm, here you’ll know it all. Women can find something to satisfy their partner, but also something to pleasure themselves solo, and practice unashamedly feminine masturbation. Until recently, the role of the clitoris in female pleasure was downplayed, and it was thought that very few women had clitoral orgasms. A serious mistake.
And yet, while female masturbation is becoming more democratic, we still have some way to go before all the taboos are lifted. According to an Ifop poll for the website Le Plaisir féminin, conducted in June 2017, 26% of French women don’t masturbate. And for 45%, it remains a difficult subject to broach. By way of comparison, the same survey tells us that only 5% of men don’t masturbate, and that autosexuality is far more occasional among women (“14% of women say they masturbate at least once a week, compared with 50% of men”).
What are the reasons for this discrepancy?
Many heterosexual women say they don’t need to come every time they have sex. Or to pleasure themselves alone, whether through caressing or penetration. Some even confess to having no desire to do so… Not knowing how it works and not wanting to masturbate. It’s true that while we know all about male masturbation, we talk far less about “techniques” for women. What’s more, every woman is different. And that what leads to orgasm varies according to a number of factors.
For sex journalist Maïa Mazaurette, author of Sortir du trou. Lever la tête, some women confuse internal and external sexual impulses – what the Association française d’urologie calls “spontaneous” sexual desire and “reactive” sexual desire. “I’ve met women who expect desire to come from inside the body, whereas it can be provoked by something external. An element that can give desire: a film, an idea, a man, a woman…” According to Maïa Mazaurette, in these women, the sexual imagination is blocked, and “the masturbation space is disinvested”.
Knowing how to do it
One of the major obstacles to female masturbation is a lack of knowledge about this little organ of pleasure. For some, it takes time to find the right technique and master the path to orgasm. What’s more, it’s important to be able to “get in the mood” to relax and find the golden path to orgasm. You also have to do it for yourself, and not just to be like everyone else. You have to want it and desire it. Otherwise it won’t work.
It’s also worth remembering that, by nature, women are often less sensitive to external arousal than men. This is shown by the excitability studies on which Maïa Mazaurette bases her work. In these studies, researchers show pornographic films to men and women,” explains the author. To measure the latter’s arousal, an inflatable balloon is placed in their vagina.
As a result, their vaginas became engorged with blood, and pressure was applied to the balloon. The result is that women are just as excitable as men, if not more so. However, when asked about their experiences, they don’t always realize they’ve been aroused. One element regularly comes up to explain this self-censorship: shame. “As soon as I get wet, I find it disgusting”, laments one young woman.
Beware of preconceptions
Preconceived ideas are the death of solitary pleasure. If you start out with preconceived ideas, you’re not approaching female masturbation in the right way. And you may have a long way to go before you reach your goal. But sometimes this is beyond a person’s control. Because conservative ideas are often indoctrinated in us in spite of ourselves, and have been for a very long time (education, society, …). And embarrassment sets in, hindering pleasure: “In men, sexuality is naturally compulsive. In women, it’s totally controlled.
There’s this idea that, when you’re a woman, you can’t admit to indulging your impulses alone. It would break the restraint associated with the general imagination”, explains researcher François Kraus, in charge of the “Gender, sexuality and sexual health” expertise at Ifop. Élise, a young woman interviewed on the subject, agrees: “I had it in my head that masturbation was for men, and men alone.”
Well no, women too have the right to pleasure and onanism.
Is pleasure possible without a partner and without penetration?
For some women who have difficulty with female masturbation, pleasure is inseparable from these two points. They are therefore “obliged” to wait for their partner to experience pleasure and reach orgasm.
“With the little hindsight I have, I think I see sexual practice as an activity to be shared. And that’s what holds me back, both psychologically and physically,” realizes Élise. “The women concerned are often imbued with a vision of female sexuality closely linked to conjugality and penetration. For them, legitimate female sexuality only exists within a conjugal or relational framework. Admitting to solitary sexual activity is tantamount to admitting that you’re incapable of seducing someone capable of giving you that pleasure,” continues François Kraus.
Is female masturbation essential to a fulfilled sexuality?
For Maïa Mazaurette, this conception of sexuality is “double or nothing”. “Either women’s libido is dormant… And there’s no exploring to awaken desire and reach orgasm. Or, on the contrary, the relationship to sexuality is based on a fairytale model. The heterosexual woman waits for the man to come. And then there are fireworks with the partner.
Dr. Tourmente is reassuring, however. Not masturbating doesn’t necessarily mean a sex life devoid of pleasure. “Discovering one’s body is sometimes done with a partner. And masturbation shouldn’t be an obligation or yet another sexual injunction”, moderates the sexologist. “My darling controls my pleasure very well. And I don’t feel marginalized at all,” confirms one young woman.
Women can be active in their sexuality
One thing’s for sure, whether we masturbate or not, the more we talk about it, the easier it becomes. And the more “free” women will be to indulge. Things are changing. Society is evolving and our media (social networks, cinema, TV, etc.) are giving more and more space to female pleasure. Roles are changing and taboos are gradually being broken. It’s up to our generations to educate the young women of tomorrow about female masturbation and the right to pleasure, whether alone or with a partner. And for the rest of us, there are many ways to have good sex after 40…
