The 7 keys to successful couple communication

A studycarried out in 2022 byStanfordUniversity reveals that 85% of men in relationships feel theyhave difficulty communicating openly with their partner [1]. Given this finding, it’s essential todevelophealthy communication skills to maintain a fulfilling relationship over the long term. Here are 7 keystepsto achieve this.

Photo Ajay Donga

I can’t stress this enough: communication is the cornerstone of a fulfilling relationship. It enables us to express our needs, resolve conflicts and maintain emotional intimacy. Yet many men struggle to communicate effectively with their partners. According to an INED survey, 68% of men in couples say they have difficulty talking about their feelings [2]. Are you one of them?

So why this difference? This difficulty can be explained by cultural and educational factors. From an early age, men are often encouraged to suppress their emotions and adopt a more “rational”, aloof posture in their relationships. Being the alpha male is what you’re often taught from an early age, isn’t it? But healthy communication means knowing how to identify, welcome and express your emotions, as well as actively listening to your partner.

1. Listen carefully to your partner

Good communication starts with good listening. According to a study by the University of California, men tend to interrupt and cut off their partner 33% more often than vice versa [3]. To remedy this, adopt an active listening posture:

• Show empathy by rephrasing your partner’s words to show that you’ve understood them.
• Ask open-ended questions to encourage your partner to develop his or her thoughts.
• Avoid getting defensive or counter-arguing immediately.
• Maintain a benevolent attitude and concentrate fully on what he/she is telling you.

1. Express your needsassertively

Once you’ve taken the time to listen to your partner, it will be easier for you to express your own needs. To do this, adopt assertive communication:

• Use “I” to express how you feel, without accusing your partner. For example: “I get frustrated when you come home late without telling me” rather than “You’re always late and only think about yourself!”
• Be specific in your requests, rather than vague. For example: “I’d like us to spend at least 30 minutes a day talking calmly” rather than “We should talk more often”.
• Remain open to compromise and negotiation. Your aim is not to win a debate, but to find a win-win solution.

1. Choose the right moment

Couple communication can only be effective if it takes place under the right conditions. Avoid bringing up sensitive subjects when tempers are running high or when you’re under pressure. According to a study by the Gottman Institute, couples who are most successful in resolving their conflicts choose the right moment for their discussions [4]. They wait until the tension has subsided and they are both emotionally available.

• Pay attention to your partner’s signals.
• If he/she seems stressed or tired, postpone the conversation rather than pressuring him/her.
• Together, set up regular “communication appointments” in a calm setting.

2. Encourageemotional intimacy

Couple communication isn’t just about exchanging factual information. It’s also about creating and nurturing a deep emotional connection. According to a study by the University of Denver, couples who regularly share their feelings, hopes and vulnerabilities are generally more satisfied with their relationship [5]. This helps them feel understood, supported and secure.

• So don’t be afraid to take emotional risks by opening up more to your partner. Talk about your dreams, fears and insecurities. Show them that you trust them.

3. Cultivate mutual empathy

Empathy – the ability to put yourself in the other person’s shoes – is essential for constructive communication. According to a study by the Gottman Institute, the most successful couples are those who empathize with each other [6].

• So strive to understand your partner’s point of view, even if you don’t agree with it. Validate her/his emotions and feelings before proposing a solution. This will help you find common ground.

Photo Vera Arsic

4. Learn to resolve your conflicts

Conflicts are an integral part of every couple’s relationship. They are not synonymous with failure, but on the contrary represent opportunities to understand each other and grow closer.

According to a study by the University of California, couples who know how to resolve their disagreements constructively are generally more satisfied and long-lasting [7]. They don’t hesitate to apologize, compromise and actively seek win-win solutions.

• So adopt a positive attitude to disagreements. See them as opportunities to deepen your connection rather than threats to your relationship.

5. Establish communication rituals

Finally, to maintain healthy communication over the long term, it’s important to establish caring rituals and habits. This can take the form of regular communication appointments, moments of sharing without a telephone, or daily gestures of affection.

According to a study by the Gottman Institute, couples who establish these kinds of rituals are generally happier and more stable [8]. They feel supported and connected, even in difficult times.

A final word

Fulfilling communication can’t be improvised, it has to be built up over time. By applying these 7 keys, you can create a climate of trust, intimacy and constructive conflict resolution within your couple. The result will be a stronger, longer-lasting relationship.

Sources :

[1] Stanford University study on couple communication (2022)

[2] INED survey on communication difficulties of men in couples (2020)

[3] University of California study on male/female communication differences (2018)

[4] Gottman Institute research on conflict resolution in couples (2021)

[5] University of Denver study on emotional intimacy in couples (2019)

[6] Gottman Institute research on empathy in couples (2020)

[7] University of California study on conflict resolution in couples (2017)

[8] Gottman Institute research on communication rituals in couples (2022)

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