In the dating world, new terms are appearing regularly. Ghosting. Breadcrumbing. Orbiting…Chances are you’ve heard these terms and others like them. There’s also a good chance you have absolutely no idea what they mean – if you’re 40, or more. Discover the new glossary of modern romance.
Yes, for people of a “certain age”, having conversations about modern romance can seem a bit like wading through semantic obscurity; it’s like children speaking a different language. So read on and explore the world with your new knowledge.
1. Ghosting
You meet someone, you go on a date, you have a good time. You keep talking. Then, one day, you send a text without receiving a reply. You wait a few days. You think she’s probably just busy. Then weeks go by and you realize that everything you’ve had is over. It’s bad enough that people do this after appointments. But it’s even worse when you’ve shared things with the person. You see someone for months, then one day, she disappears into thin air. No returns, no answers, no explanations. Just silence.
It takes much longer to get over this type of break-up than the traditional process because of the agonizing period when you’re wondering if you’re still in a relationship. These days, people treat Ghosting as if it’s just a funny dating quirk in the digital age, but it’s not. It’s unbearable for the victim and creates a real problem of trust and intimacy for her. It’s time to call it what it is, which is severe emotional abuse.
2. Breadcrumbing
Ah, Breadcrumbing. The coward’s way out of what is already a coward’s way out. Unlike ghosts, who will cease communication altogether, the person will send messages but not trivial ones, such as “Hey, what’s going on?” without ever making the effort to move on to the dating stage. This could go on for months or even years. For the person, it’s an easy way to keep the door open in case he/she decides to pursue something after all, or to make you so desperate that you consent to a call now and then. Sometimes he/she disappears for weeks, only to resurface and throw another mystery your way, causing you to tear your hair out wondering if he/she’s interested or not.
3. Orbiting
This is a terrible new trend in dating. In orbit, someone ghosts you, but continues to stalk your social media. You wouldn’t know it from Facebook or Twitter, but Instagram and Snapchat stories tell you which users have viewed your content. If your ghost appears, it means you’re in orbit. This, too, can lead to psychological anguish for the victim, who wonders whether this means the ghost regrets their decision to abandon you or simply stays in your orbit, so as not to forget them completely – maybe they feel like hanging up again. Of course, you’ll never know which is which, as they don’t have the courtesy to simply tell you how they feel. The alternative term for this breakdown of basic courtesy is “obsessive”.
4. Benching
Similar to curving, “benching” involves trading with someone just enough to keep you as an option. The crueler way because the victim doesn’t know if you’re a bit flaky or just not interested. With benching, it’s more obvious that the person is looking for alternatives and is just benching you in case one of their key players gets called off the field.
5. Cushioning
When you meet someone you really like, she’s already in a relationship. The way she flirts with you through text gives the impression she’s interested, but there’s nothing to say she’s planning to leave her current partner. It’s cushioning – keeping the seat warm in case she wants to use it somewhere in the future.
6. Stashing
You’re dating someone and you feel that things are going well. But you notice that she’s not introducing you to her circle or on her social media, nor is she turning away from the messages you post. It’s the modern version of getting weird when you ask to meet your partner’s parents. The person you’re with loves you, but isn’t sure they want to close the door on other possibilities, and so “hide” you like you would a basket of dirty laundry, in the closet.
7. Cuffing Season
An extremely insulting and slightly sexist term (it’s almost always used by men to refer to women) for the period between early autumn and late winter, when people are more likely to date someone regularly just to have a warm body nearby. Because God knows, being in an intimate relationship with regular sexual activity is akin to being chained to the floor.
8. Curving
Curving is a little easier to take than complete rejection. It’s when someone refuses your advances but doesn’t do it directly. A good example is when Drake tried to kiss Rihanna on stage at the 2016 VMA Awards and she literally curved her cheek. While curving is a bit more enjoyable than many of the other items on this list, it’s still used as a way to keep an option open even if you’re not really interested. Notice a trend here…?
9. Firedooring
It’s when one person has all the power in an exchange. Someone who will text you but won’t respond when you text them back. Someone who will never plan to see you but expects you to drop everything so she can come over when she has a free afternoon. As the name suggests, this isn’t a two-way street. It’s a Firedoor. You can get out, but you can’t get in. In short, not the kind of meeting you’re looking for!
10. Incel
This means “involuntary celibate” and is generally used as an identity term by people who feel entitled to sex but can’t get it. These people absorb everything and, more often than not, are genuinely dangerous.
11. Kittenfishing
We’ve all heard of “catfishing”, in which someone pretends to be someone other than themselves to catch a potential partner. In “Kittenfishing”, however, someone doesn’t lie exorbitantly in their online dating profile, they simply stretch the truth. The most basic version involves posting old or heavily altered photos, or lying about weight or height, so that the person who walks into the bar only vaguely resembles the person you’ve matched up with in order to generate a date.
12. Love Bombing
This involves deploying a blitzkrieg of affection at the very start of the encounter, only to lose interest completely once the prey has been hooked.
13. Pansexual
If someone says they’re “pansexual”, it means they’re attracted to someone, regardless of gender. This opens up a wide range of dating possibilities.
14. Polyamorous
Being “poly”, as the name implies, means that you can be in one relationship and still enjoy relationships with others. The key here is communication and honesty. And taking care to make sure you don’t hurt or betray any of your partners. There was a form of this in ancient Rome, but it’s currently enjoying a resurgence in popularity. Unlike the other terms on this list, there’s nothing wrong with being pansexual or polyamorous as long as the person communicates it to you and you agree.
15. Roaching
If you discover that your partner didn’t cheat on you, but was simply looking for someone on the side, passing the buck by saying she didn’t realize you were monogamous won’t work. As the term suggests, it’s not a good thing to do.
16. Sex interview
Traditionally, a date is considered a sex interview. However, more and more people are using sex to determine whether or not they want to take the trouble to get to know the person. It’s a meeting for a “sex interview” and, while it has a certain logic, it’s unromantic to say the least.
17. Situationship
Going back to the fact that everyone today is insanely committed, phobic, a “situationship” is a sexual relationship that doesn’t remain a committed relationship. You’re together, but you’re not together. You’re in a situation. A bit like a booty call with benefits.
18. Stealthing
This is the act of removing a condom during intercourse without your partner even knowing you’ve done it. As well as being emotionally traumatic, it’s a direct sexual assault.
19. Submarining
This is when someone breaks up with you or ghosts you, then comes back into your life after a long silence, as if nothing had happened. Just say no.
20. Micro-cheating
Unlike cheating, micro-cheating involves a series of seemingly harmless gestures that would nevertheless hurt your partner if she found out, like sending a message to a pretty girl on Instagram or flirting with a hot chick in your office. For it to be micro-cheating, the key is that it’s something serious enough that you can hide it from your partner. Relationship experts say that, while it may be harmless, it can also lead to real cheating, and stir up jealousy and mistrust in your couple. Be careful not to get caught out like these 17 men.
