Getting back together with your ex? Maybe it’s not such a bad idea. A recent study reveals that overhalf of respondents (53%) admit to having rekindled a relationship with an ex-partner. Find out why.
Photo Ivan Babydov
Ending a relationship is often a complex experience. While some choose not to look back, others opt for reconciliation with their ex. 53% of those surveyed did, according to the findings of a survey conducted by Lovehoney.
For this Lovehoney study in 2022, nearly 2008 individuals were polled. Of these, more than half admitted to continuing to have sex with their former partner. They attribute this to satisfactory “sexual compatibility”. Rachel Wright, a psychotherapist specializing in relationships, highlights the many benefits of maintaining ties with an ex.
However, 42% of respondents, mainly aged 18 to 24, say they are more likely to cut off all contact with their ex, often making them more “hostile” towards them. Despite this, the majority do not share this perspective.
A – The desire to remain friends with one’s ex is widespread
For many, it’s common to maintain a friendly relationship with their ex-partner. For 52%, the main reason is that they were “friends first”. The loss of this initial friendship is the main concern for 31% of those surveyed.
For a minority (18%), sharing the same social circle or having children together keeps the friendship alive. Although some prefer to cut off all contact with their former partner, each individual deals with separation in their own way, with situations specific to each relationship.
B – Why do we break up most often?
“Les histoires d’amour finissent mal en général”, sang the Rita Mitsouko. Or “Love lasts 3 years” according to Beigbeder. But what about the reasons? Infidelity, routine or fear of commitment: there are many reasons for breaking up. “There are as many reasons for breaking up as there are stories and personalities in couples,” says psychoanalyst Virginie Ferrara. However, some causes are more common than others. Here is a non-exhaustive list of the most common reasons for breaking up:
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Emotional dependence
Emotional dependency, as explained by relationship expert Alexandre Cormont, is a source of suffering and conflict for couples. It often leads to constant dissatisfaction with the partner’s proof of love, and can cause the partner to suffocate. Emotional addicts often cling to distant partners out of fear of abandonment, which fuels conflict and suffering in the relationship, eventually leading to separation.
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Boredom and routine in a relationship
To keep the love flame burning after several years in a relationship, Alexandre Cormont recommends breaking the routine by doing a new activity every week, either individually or together. He also stresses the importance of joint projects to avoid boredom. These projects, such as travel or shopping, allow you to project yourself into the future and reinforce the durability of the relationship.
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Lack of intimacy
Intimacy in a couple encompasses much more than sexuality, as Alexandre Cormont points out. It also includes touch, little attentions and compliments, which are essential for creating a strong bond. This intimacy is also based on trust, complicity, respect and mutual knowledge. Virginie Ferrara adds that a lack of communication can lead to a lack of intimacy, as partners can lose themselves in their professional obligations and neglect communication and sexual intimacy.
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Lack of communication
Communication is often cited as essential in a couple, and its absence can be a worrying sign. This lack of communication can mask deeper problems, leading to misunderstandings, compromises and increasing conflict. Virginie Ferrara points out that when couples neglect each other, they gradually lose their vitality. Even with couple therapy, regaining a strong bond can be very difficult, sometimes requiring a fresh start. Although this can take time, it is possible for therapy to lead to a separation if it reveals major boredom or misalignment in the couple.
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Betrayal and infidelity
Infidelity is often at the root of break-ups. Some couples manage to overcome this crisis, but for others, the decision to break up is inevitable. This decision may be taken jointly, or by one of the partners who realizes that the relationship is no longer satisfying.
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Lack of commitment
Couples who don’t live together can experience break-ups due to a lack of commitment on the part of one of the partners. This problem is often raised by women, who express their frustration at their partner’s refusal to commit emotionally. This reluctance can have various origins, such as past experiences of abandonment or disappointment in love, or the fear of losing their freedom.
Photo Cottonbro Studio
C – Is it a good idea to reconnect with your ex?
Many couples decide to give themselves a second chance after a first break-up. If you’re one of those thinking of reconciling with your ex, there’s a scientific explanation.
The ambivalence of feelings during aseparation
In a series of studies published in the journal Social Psychological and Personality Science, researchers from the University of Utah and the University of Toronto asked individuals about their reasons for staying or leaving their relationship.
Among the most common reasons for staying were optimism (the hope that the partner will change), emotional investment in the relationship and family obligations. On the other hand, those wishing to end their relationship often cited emotional distance, a lack of trust or general incompatibility with frequent arguments.
Despite these negative feelings, 49% of those considering leaving expressed mixed feelings at the idea of separating The researchers note that this is consistent with the fact that around 50% of separated couples reconcile, suggesting that ambivalent feelings play a crucial role in this process.
D – The potential benefits of sleeping with your exagain
Contrary to popular belief, a recent study suggests that getting back together with an ex can have mental health benefits. Surprising, isn’t it?
You’ve used up all your tissues, watched the entirety of a sentimental turnip without comfort, and yet you don’t feel any better? Maybe it’s time to consider one last fling with your ex.
1 – The benefits of getting back together with your ex
“Don’t call him or her, don’t write to him or her, don’t write back to him or her, don’t see him or her, and above all, don’t sleep with him or her again”. This well-meaning advice is often given to people who have just gone through a break-up. However, according to a study published in the official journal of the International Academy of Sexual Research, the reality may be different.
Researchers at Wayne State University (USA) questioned nearly 500 people daily over several months about their feelings. Most of those who had resumed sexual relations with their ex had not encountered any particular difficulties in overcoming the break-up.
Photo Cottonbro Studio
2 – Warnings to keep inmind
The study’s conclusion is clear: resuming sexual relations with an ex can be beneficial for morale and health, without preventing complete healing. It should be remembered, however, that when a person remains emotionally attached to their former partner, this can hinder the healing process.
Reconnecting with an ex can be a positive experience, but only if both parties agree. It’s important to remember that these meetings don’t have to lead to a formal relationship, unless both partners mutually decide to do so.
E – Getting back together for the right reasons
Sometimes, a couple’s confused feelings lead them to blame the relationship for all their problems. It’s often difficult to determine whether the difficulties encountered are normal or whether the separation is compulsory.
A final word
The study’s conclusion highlights an essential aspect: breaking up is often more difficult for the person making the decision, as it is accompanied by doubts. This is why many couples opt for reconciliation after separation. However, it’s crucial not to get back together out of a sense of loneliness or nostalgia. Reconciliation can be a well-considered decision, but it requires open communication and a willingness to build a relationship on new, healthy foundations. If the relationship has previously failed, it’s essential to make changes if reconciliation is to be a success.
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