It’s not always easy when you’re a couple, but how can you tell the difference between a little rough patch and the break-up that’s just around the corner? When the smallest problem turns into a fight, is it a sign of the couple’s decline?
The classic pattern of the relationship until the break-up
In a couple’s relationship, there are often 3 phases. First, what is often referred to as the honeymoon phase. This is when everything is idyllic. We discover each other and want nothing more than to spend as much time together as possible. This phase can last for varying lengths of time. Then comes the return to reality. We start to see things more clearly, removing the filter we had in front of our eyes. Reality catches up with us, and with it, routine sets in. Arguments take over, everyday life becomes less fun. This inevitably leads to a break-up, the final phase of the relationship. Inevitably? Perhaps not. Because it is possible to avoid this classic pattern.
Building a couple is hard work
Everywhere we look, we see how much effort it takes to build a relationship that suits everyone. It’s perfectly normal to be a little different from each other, even if we have a lot in common. So we have to adapt a lot to each other. This will generate a lot of frustration. These can stem from a feeling of loneliness on the part of one of the partners, too heavy a mental load or even a difference in libido. There are no limits to the points of tension, and the choice is wide.
But arguments are a dreaded occurrence in couples. It’s easy to imagine that it’s a sign of the couple’s decline. It’s hard to accept this change in a relationship where everything was going so well until now. All of a sudden, you feel the weight of the little disagreements, they add up, it’s all you can see. And we imagine that our relationship will follow in the footsteps of previous ones, leading to a break-up. We’re already anticipating it, and that makes us even sadder and more powerless.
The problem is that we’re afraid the frustrations that build up in a relationship will never go away. We’re ready to resign ourselves to accepting this, but each argument destroys our will. The problem is that we don’t think; instead, we tend to react. This makes conflicts impossible to resolve.
Understanding arguments to avoid break-ups
If you want to avoid a break-up, you’ll have to find out what’s at the root of the arguments and avoid certain fateful words. Because the relationship can be saved, but to do so, you have to get away from those unpleasant feelings. First, you need to understand how the relationship works. Why are there far fewer (if any) arguments at the start of a relationship? Quite simply because the stakes are so low. You’re trying, you’re not too committed yet, and if it doesn’t work out, you can part ways without getting hurt. As the relationship progresses, however, you build something, feelings appear.
Also, the influence you’ve developed on each other can make you feel threatened. Sometimes wounds from the past are reopened. It’s easier to react on the spur of the moment, saying things to each other that aren’t always very nice, and that most of the time you regret. Sometimes we even run away from the relationship, out of simplicity. When in fact we should be questioning our own patterns. Why do I react the way I do?
For psychologists, conflict represents an opportunity in a relationship. It’s all the wounds, disappointments and other painful experiences that we’ve accumulated in our childhood that will generate our reactions as adults. We may wrongly believe that they have disappeared, but these wounds remain lurking in a corner and drive us to act negatively. They add to our frustrations, and sometimes even accentuate them.
That’s why it’s so important to work on the origins of these frustrations and our reactions to them. You can choose to do this work alone or in partnership with a therapist. He or she will be able to decipher all this and help you to allow yourself to feel your sorrows and disappointments instead of running away from them. Because by running away from negative emotions,you are also depriving yourself of positive ones. So allowing yourself to cry will lay a good foundation for a happy relationship.
