You finally had the courage to break up with someone who wasn’t right for you, and you thought you’d broken your heart forever. It’s hard to let go of someone who was once deeply rooted in your life. So how do you get over your ex?
Even if you tell yourself you’re over each other once the relationship is over, it can be hard to really let go. The good news is that there’s a foolproof way to help you get over your ex sooner.
The “no-contact rule” is the most effective way to get over your ex
The “no-contact rule” is exactly what it sounds like. Cut off all contact with your ex. While this can be difficult, if not impossible, for people who’d had a more committed relationship that involved marriage, a shared home or children, it’s the only way to really move on.
If you’re getting divorced, let your lawyer handle the legal issues. If you have children, you’ll need to have contact, but keep it to a minimum and stay professional. Otherwise, no calling, e-mailing, texting, instant messaging or stalking your ex on social networks. And certainly no personal contact.
Continuing to talk to your ex or scroll through his or her social media feeds the grief you’ll inevitably feel after the loss. You need time to grieve and reflect, and you can’t do that by stalking your ex’s Facebook page.
Talking to an ex too soon can set you back
The urge to reconnect is perfectly natural after a break-up. Having no contact gives you the time and space you need to adjust and move on. Talking to an ex-partner too soon can actually delay you in the grieving process by reinforcing the attachment. It’s important to understand that texting and calling work against you and can damage your self-esteem.
If you’re still talking to your ex, it’s probably because you’re not giving yourself a fair chance to detox. At first, you might find it hard to stay away, especially if you were co-dependent in the relationship. This kind of craving is like an addiction, and no contact means “playing dead”, which gives your emotional system a chance to adjust … Once you’ve grieved a bit, you’ll feel much better, and be able to put things in perspective.
It’s important to remember why you broke up in the first place
Yes, exes can be friends, but not immediately after the breakup when there’s grieving and healing to be done. When you feel hesitant in your resolve not to reach out to your ex, remind yourself why you’re no longer together. Remember, contacting them now won’t change that reason.
Resolution and closure come from within you – not by talking to your ex. Use this time to heal and focus on you. And what you want in a relationship next time.
Missing your ex is no reason to be together
It’s easy to interpret certain feelings as a sign of something bigger, but that’s not always the case. Everyone should know that missing your ex is not a sign that you’re supposed to be together.
Sadness and a desire to communicate are common after a break-up, but they’re not a reason to reconcile. Feeling sad about an ending isn’t a sign that the breakup was a bad idea.
It’s essential to put your things away and keep yourself busy to respect the no-contact rule
To help you stay on track, avoid all reminders of your ex. Bury all mementos, gifts, photos and other reminders of the relationship. Close the box, and put it away somewhere until you’re past the worst of the breakup. Then you can decide what you want to keep.
Occupy your days so you have less time to think about contacting your ex. It’s common to find ourselves with a lot more free time when we’re no longer in a relationship. If you don’t fill that time with more productive things, your idle mind, left to its own devices, can sometimes choose to linger on your ex. And make you wonder how things could have gone differently. This can make you more vulnerable and cause you to give in and contact your ex.
Instead, find other ways to use this newfound free time so your mind has less opportunity to obsess and fixate on your ex. Try to socialize even if you probably don’t feel like it.
For example, go out for coffee with friends, take a little road trip or start something new like learning a new language, reading a classic novel or organizing that closet. This will help you forget your ex.
