If you need a deep connection with someone to take the next step, you may be demisexual. If the very idea of sex isn’t what you’re most attracted to, you may be demisexual. Here’s how it works.
Do you find yourself disinterested, even repulsed, by the idea of having sex? Does it take you months to get to know someone before you feel comfortable being physically intimate with them? Does nothing turn you on more than a deep emotional connection? So you might be wondering: am I demisexual? But let’s define the term properly first.
What does demisexual mean?
Demisexual-le is a sexual orientation governed by feelings about sex. And it’s specifically recognized in people who are physically unable to become sexually attracted to another without first establishing a strong emotional bond with them. The term has just been “halfway” between sexual and asexual.
The concept is a specific, slightly more sexually charged variation of asexuality … Or the condition in which someone feels no sexual desire … And rests on the fact that an intense emotional bond is needed as a precursor to sexual attraction or stimulation. This may not seem so strange, and many demisexuals probably don’t seem so different from those who are a little skittish about sex. But it goes beyond the simple need to like someone before you feel ready to have sex. If you identify as demisexual, it’s extremely difficult to feel attracted to someone without first being friends. And while the experience is different for everyone, these days it can sometimes make finding someone all the more difficult.
Types of demisexual sexuality
Demisexual panoramic
People who identify themselves as panoramic demisexuals have to develop a strong friendship with a romantic interest in order to be considered as such. Being panromantic, these people are attracted to anyone, regardless of their orientation or gender identity, and generally tend to feel that their partner’s gender does little to define their relationship.
Demisexual-biromantic
Similar to panromantic, but more focused on a spectrum of genders rather than sexual orientations. Biromantic individuals are romantically, but not necessarily sexually, attracted to more than one gender identity. Biromantic demisexuals are people who need to be strongly emotionally and romantically connected to someone to feel sexual attraction, whatever their gender.
How is grey asexuality different from demisexuality?
Gray asexuality, also known as “gray-A”, is a catch-all term used for anything that doesn’t fit between sexual and asexual. According to the Demisexuality Resource Center, “Some demisexuals consider demisexuality to be under the asexual gray umbrella because it’s about feeling sexual attraction in specific circumstances. Some demisexuals also relate to other definitions of gray asexuality, such as finding experiences of sexual attraction confusing or difficult to pin down.” It’s possible to use both labels if they both apply.
Demisexual-le vs Pansexual-le: how do they differ?
Pansexual people feel a gender-neutral attraction to all people, whatever their sexual identity or orientation, while those who identify as demisexual are a little more complex. As mentioned above, those who are demisexual may or may not have a preferred gender. For demisexuals, the most important aspect of attraction is a deep sense of mutual emotional connection.
Signs of demisexuality
Here are 15 signs you can identify as a demisexual:
1 – Demisexuals aren’t usually big fans of physical touch
Kissing, squealing on the dance floor, even prolonged cuddling put you off. Physical intimacy, even with someone you’ve gotten to know, can be uncomfortable and make you a little anxious. Unlike the sexual melee (where sexual attraction to someone comes right after meeting, but fades as the emotional bond strengthens), you’d rather have a conversation or get to know someone personally than feel them. Sometimes you find these feelings overwhelming and unbearable.
2 – Demisexuals can grow up feeling different
Long before you asked yourself “what is demisexuality?”, you probably thought your sex life was different from everyone else’s. Since you were a teenager or even earlier, you’ve known that you don’t quite fit in with what everyone else is interested in, that you feel alienated when your friends talk about someone sexy or describe their love life and sexual exploits. You felt that something was missing or wrong with you.
3 – Emotional ties are extremely important to you
Trust, openness and emotional connection are what really get you going. You feel good when you experience emotional intimacy with another person and share personal stories. Where other people might feel a thrill after sleeping with someone else, you feel a surge of satisfaction after a night of great personal conversation.
4 – Demisexuals like sex, but only under specific circumstances
Unlike asexuals, who are repulsed by sex, period, demisexuals actually enjoy it, when very specific conditions are met. Specifically, you need to feel a strong emotional bond with someone before you can imagine enjoying undressing with them. You’d feel exposed and uncomfortable, rather than aroused, if you were thrown together with another person with whom you hadn’t felt a strong emotional bond.
5 – Demisexuals are often nicknamed “prudes”.
Friends who don’t really understand demisexual people will give you a hard time about your tendency to show little interest in fucking, and your inability to flirt will end up labeling you a “prude” or something similar. You’ve tried to explain that you’re just not interested in sex with randos, but it’s a foreign concept to them and they assume you’re just nervous about sex.
6 – Demisexuals want a relationship, but not necessarily physical contact
Demisexuals are distinct from asexuals. It’s not that you’re not attracted to others or interested in romantic relationships, and while you may be turned on by physical touch, you won’t be completely turned on by physicality alone. This emotional part is integral to the true feeling of connection anddesire.
7 – You’re not alone
The term demisexual is relatively new. It was first coined in 2008, on the Asexual Visibility & Education Network website. But it’s growing fast as more and more people come out as demisexual, refusing to be ashamed of their unconventional attractions. A demisexual person can also be gay, straight, bisexual or pansexual, and may have no gender preference when it comes to sexual attraction. So even if you feel you don’t fit in with the hypersexual age, rest assured: there are plenty of other demisexuals out there, and even if they’re not loud about it, there are plenty of them. According to a survey in the UK, around 0.6 to 5.5 of the population is asexual. There are many more demisexuals than asexuals.
8 – Demisexuals don’t have a “hook-up culture”.
You feel out of step with modern hook-up culture. While your friends think an evening isn’t complete without a make-up session at the bar or at least a phone number with the potential to amuse you in the future, you’d be perfectly happy to relax in a quiet corner and chat with friends or get to know an eccentric stranger, with no interest in anything progressing beyond a handshake.
9 – Demisexuals don’t feel the need to act on their arousal as heterosexuals might.
Someone who is demisexual often feels bewildered by how horny the rest of the world seems to be. It can seem crazy the way people will blow up their relationships or spend huge amounts of money and time trying to get laid. You just don’t feel that kind of sexual desire.
10 – Demisexuals are sexually self-sufficient
Most of your sexual gratification comes from masturbation. And when it comes to physical pleasure, you don’t see the need for another person.
11 – Demisexuals generally don’t appreciate the warmth of strangers.
Your friends talk about the warmth of a stranger or rate someone at the bar on a scale of 1 to 10. You simply don’t understand what they’re talking about. It’s as if the concept were totally foreign to you. Judging someone solely by their online dating profile without even talking to them? It doesn’t come naturally and it’s no fun for you.
12 – For you, sex is about connecting
When you have sex with someone else, it’s in search of a deeper emotional connection. Physical touch serves as a method of connecting and better understanding and appreciating your partner, bringing satisfaction and pleasure.
13 – Demisexuals don’t flirt
Your friends love having meaningless conversations with strangers at the bar or via Tinder, cracking jokes or going off on elaborate, goofy tangents about nothing … Even if the subtext is very clearly about something very specific. You’d rather talk about something. And you lose patience with flirtatious conversations that pass for communication between people. Friends will often have to point out afterwards that someone was flirting with you when you had no idea at the time. It’s a language you simply don’t speak.
14 – Demisexuals tend to date
Have you heard so many dating gurus warn against “falling into the Friend zone”? But it’s your favorite place! The only serious relationships you’ve ever had started out as platonic friendships. The ones where you got to know another person deeply before it unexpectedly turned into something romantic. If the same friend had hit on you in a bar, there’d be no chance he’d have gone anywhere. But a few months hanging out with friends and learning what really motivates them? Play on.
15 – Demisexuals have sexual fantasies or enjoy erotic fiction
Demisexuals can have a very active sexual fantasy life. Whether it’s enjoying erotic stories, watching porn or creating their own mental fantasies. The difference is that it’s not just the physical act of sex that excites them. It’s the whole context of the person they imagine having sex with. There’s a major emotional component to these fantasies that give them something extra to lea demixexuel-le.
