As we work longer and longer, one thing is inevitable: we spend more time in the office. Hard to have a social life then. But for some of us, that’s not always a barrier to meeting someone. Here are 12 rules to follow to date a colleague and avoid making any blunders…
In fact, some studies suggest that work is the third most common way to meet someone in love. They even point out that at least a quarter of working professionals admit to having dated a colleague in the past. Surprising!
However, it’s a tricky business, and there are a few rules to follow if you don’t want to spoil the mood in the office if it goes wrong or simply comes to an end. Here are 12 rules for dating a colleague.
1 – Know the ground rules
The first rule to follow when you want to date someone at work is to find out if you really can. Some companies outright forbid such relationships in the office, while others prohibit dating between direct colleagues, such as superiors and juniors (and their teammates). You should consult your company handbook on this subject. If it’s not clear, ask your human resources department directly (remember: that’s what they’re there for, too.) If you’re not careful, flirting could get you into big trouble, or even be considered sexual harassment.
Sometimes, it’s even a good idea to talk about it: disclosing the relationship and following the rules can potentially protect you and/or your partner from problems related to sexual harassment. You never know..
2 – Be reasonable
If there are no obstacles to your business, the first thing to do is to determine your partner’s “status”, not only at work but also in his or her personal life. While a ring on the finger is an obvious indicator, photos on someone’s desk or workspace can also be an important clue to a person’s life. Ditto if you follow the person on social networks, you should find plenty of clues. If you don’t, you’ll need to exercise restraint.
During these first steps, you should also try to get her attention.
3 – Enter the “Friend Zone” first
Don’t ask your colleagues about their marital status – you might embarrass some of them. This is generally inappropriate behavior. Start by simply talking to the person while you’re waiting for coffee, when you pass each other in the corridors or at the start of meetings.
Then take the conversation a step further by asking what films the person has seen recently, how long it takes them to get to the office, etc etc… Small, innocuous things that will tell you something about their personal status. Build on this budding friendship: if it’s someone at work, you need to start from a distance before the relationship becomes romantic.
4 – Don’t date the intern if you’re an executive. And vice versa.
Your safest choice for a partner is a peer – someone at your own organizational level. And while dating someone above you on the corporate ladder is often against the rules, it bears repeating: don’t date the boss. Employees who date their organizational superiors incur the most negative reactions from colleagues. They are more likely to be betrayed by them, and to be the focus of gossip.
5 – Define “single”
Is it crazy because the person of your dreams told you they’re single? Not so fast: you need to understand what that means. They could be single but not divorced; maybe they’re separated but not sharing that information with you? Maybe that’s okay with you. But here’s the thing: it’s important to fully understand the other person’s situation in order to avoid any blunders that could have consequences for your professional life later on.
6 – Think about the disadvantages, as they can be numerous
Before you make a move, give yourself time to think seriously about whether it’s going to work. This extra psychic work is insurance: in an ideal world, everything goes well, but even if it does, you need to see this person every day and act professionally. Every behavior you have to adopt has to be motivated at the end. You can’t just walk away and never see this person again. So think beyond the immediate pleasure, because dating a colleague can change your work atmosphere, for better… or worse!
7 – Try your luck at lunchtime
Ready to try your luck? Then opt for lunchtime. Plan it for the next day or a few days later and do it at a sit-down restaurant (not between two sandwiches at the bakery, no no). That way, it feels like a date without being too intense.
A good lunch allows you to discuss what you like and discover your common tastes and your next free moments to reiterate. Drinks, on the other hand, can put you in a vulnerable situation where the relationship could evolve… well… too quickly. So don’t drink too much. Besides, anyone who drinks too much, especially on a first date, isn’t attractive.
8 – Practice restraint
Committing too quickly – physically and emotionally – can be one route to a messy office breakup. So, just as you shouldn’t start the relationship by heading for the bedroom, neither should you get ahead of yourself by planning your retirement together. If you’re both willing to explore the possibility of a relationship, think in slow motion. Dating a colleague is something to think about!
9 – Have a script
Depending on your company’s dating rules, keeping your relationship a secret may or may not vary. But if you don’t have to say it publicly, it might be a good idea to keep things secret for a month or so. Just to be sure..
You can talk to your partner about it like this: “I feel there’s potential between us and I want to explore this, but can we keep it between the two of us for now so we know where it’s going?”.
After all, letting your love life become a desk job isn’t good for anyone. Once you’re committed, talk about it if you want.
10 – Keep the relationship out of the office
Repeat after me: only flirt outside the office – period. And yes, that means you need to be on your best behavior during regular work hours, group lunches and coffee breaks. Don’t make anyone feel uncomfortable about your private life.
11 – Beware of your colleagues
You may be the only one on cloud nine talking about your new romance. Even if you think your colleagues aren’t embarrassed, they may be. Be prepared for them to be less open and honest with you, to trust you less and perhaps to think you’re interested in your relationship simply to move up the hierarchy.
Deflect their emotions by never showing favoritism towards your partner and not accepting favoritism from them either. Perceptions of unfairness lead to betrayal by colleagues and other negative reactions. Therefore, trying to avoid the appearance of preferential treatment can avoid a lot of problems. Yes, dating a colleague is no picnic.
12 – Be a good colleague
Now that you’re an item, here’s another big problem: keep your romantic quarrels and drama out of the workplace. Research shows that one of the most common complaints employees have about dating colleagues is that arguments spill over into the office, disrupting work. So leave your problems at the door and keep it professional!
Now that you’ve got all the tips you need to avoid blunders, before you go out with a colleague, think twice! Even if she looks like Monica Bellucci, our Italian milf who’d have you shouting “mama mia!”
