“A big part of how lobsters evolve within dominance hierarchies is how we maneuver within dominance hierarchies and if you’re an evolutionary thinker, you can’t just refute that.” – Dr. Jordan Peterson. But what does this have to do with testing people’s trust you might ask?!
He compares human behavior to that of lobsters. Human beings and the way we categorize and assert ourselves are a lot like lobsters. Lobsters regularly engage in dominance conflicts. Since lobsters aren’t empathetic or social creatures, it really boils down to whoever is the toughest lobster is the one who wins.
The lobster theory
What’s so interesting about the lobster is that when it dominates the weaker one, it spreads itself out by flexing to look bigger. The biochemical marker that makes lobsters flex is serotonin. The same chemical affected by antidepressants in humans (serotonin) is released when the dominant lobster beats the weaker one.
Think of it this way, when a lobster is defeated, it makes itself smaller by taking up less space, curling up into a ball and being submissive, just like a human being when depressed. When you give someone an antidepressant, he stretches, expands and imitates the behavior of a winner. He’s ready to conquer the world again, just like the dominant lobster. Similarly, if you give serotonin to the defeated lobster, it will stretch and fight again.
Our neurochemistry has many similarities with that of the lobster, which ties in with the idea of the importance of hierarchies for human beings. Whether you’re aware of it or not, hierarchies exist everywhere, both overt and subtle.
Trust: when women test men
Whether it’s within your group of friends, your family structure or even the formal and informal hierarchical structures that exist in the workplace, every day millions of men and women are tested and not even aware of it. If you fail one of these tests, just as the dominant lobster defeated the submissive lobster, it’s not the end of the world for you. But it could be the end of a potentially good opportunity.
Look at it this way, we all know that women test guys. It’s not because women are inherently mean, that they’re on an ego trip testing men or that they want to find the next excuse to reject another guy. Women don’t do it because they want to, but because they have to. Compared to men, women have a lot more to lose if they aren’t selective or don’t have selection processes in place when looking for a partner. By the way, if you’re looking for approach phrases…
Women have a lot at stake when choosing a partner. When a girl tests you, she’s probing you for emotional weakness, because one of the most attractive traits a man can have is emotional strength. Passing these tests increases her attraction to you, which is a good thing if you want to take things to the next level romantically with her.
Confidence:when men test men
What many men don’t realize is that men test other men, but for different reasons. Here’s an example:
Imagine your friend invites you to play a game of basketball at the park with a group of guys you’ve never met. You show up at the park and immediately notice eight tall, well-built jocks playing with your one friend who invited you out. You arrive at the field, introduce yourself and get ready to play. At first, everyone seems friendly, but once everyone has picked teams and you’re on the opposing team, all the guys, including your own teammates, start harassing you.
They start peeling back the layers of your personality to see who you really are as a man.
After paying close attention to your vocal tone, the things you said to them after the introduction, and even your physical appearance, because you’re a pretty skinny, average-looking guy who isn’t very tall.
Teams decide who gets the first ball. Your team gets the first dibs because one of the guys on your team made a shot that determines who gets the commitment. Everyone asks who’s going to get the ball on the court, and you volunteer to pull it out and play point guard. Suddenly, one of the taller, more athletic guys on your team makes a joke about whether you’re sure you can dribble the ball down the court and make the plays.
Although he’s making a joke of what he told you, there’s a bit of truth in it. In saying this, your teammate is essentially calling you on your greatest emotional weakness. Here’s what your standard test might look like when you enter a new social group.
When you’re part of a new group of guys (and even girls) or a mixed social group, you can always think of the beginning as an initiation period, similar to the way fraternities and sororities get their new members involved, but not as physically or emotionally hard. Trust is earned little by little.
The constant test of domination
Most of the testing you’ll hear or learn about usually concerns the kinds of tests women perform on men to screen them. But you rarely hear about the tests guys perform on other guys as a form of domination. To reinforce this concept, think back to a time when you were younger, like when you were in high school. The testing is much more overt and pronounced, and in some cases much more severe than the way an adult would test you.
How to handle and respond to tests
Now, let’s step back and revisit our basketball game. After that taller, athletic guy makes the joke about you being the point guard, how you respond to the test will determine whether you fail or succeed.Confidence or defiance. Let’s take a look at some of these possible outcomes.
Option A: You say nothing
Just a word of caution, you’d look pretty ridiculous and weird if you chose to go this route.
Option B: You laugh with him
Understand that if you do this, you’ll pass one part of the test but fail the other.
Option C: You’re defensive
Being defensive is the worst thing you can do, because it shows weakness. Think back to your school days. Maybe you were bullied or saw someone else being bullied, or maybe you did the bullying yourself. Hard to trust after that. You probably noticed that those who were defensive or more aggravated by taunts gave the bully more incentive to keep pressing that sore spot.
Every time a guy tests you, he’s basically under-communicating that “I’m more dominant than you, what are you going to do about it?”. Just as a girl will test your emotional strength, if you fail too many of these tests in front of other guys, your social status within the group begins to diminish.
As your position drops, the other less dominant guys in the group will also start testing you, just like the first guy. Eventually, everyone in the group will start to see you as just a doormat they can walk on. And you lose confidence.
Going back to the lobster example from earlier, humans behave a bit like animals. But instead of trying to dominate you physically, as our crustacean friend would, other men (and women) will test and try to dominate you emotionally. In other words, if the dominant male, dominant female or alpha of the group pushes you around emotionally and you show fear and weakness, the other members of the group will do the same over time until you’re considered the lowest member of the group.
The same concept applies to humans, but in a slightly different way. Like lobsters, dogs and other types of animals, other boys and girls can feel fear and weakness. It’s like this lesson on why you should never turn your back on a bear and start running, as this will prompt the bear to start seeing you as prey.
Let’s go back to our basketball game example. What do you do now?
Option D: Show no weakness
By now, you probably know that Option D is the optimal choice. But you came here to learn how to protect yourself and pass those tests so you can open more doors and opportunities while earning the respect of your peers. So how exactly do you do that?
You match the dominant guy in the group from toe to toe. This means that when another guy pushes on you, you push back. But don’t take this as a get-out-of-jail-free card to openly insult or belittle the other person pushing you. It’s easy enough to do with people you know a little, whereas it’s harder to do with complete strangers.
If you don’t know the person well enough to know their weak points and weaknesses, you can neutralize the test by laughing it off and turning it into a compliment for yourself.
To further simplify this concept and return to the previous point, the key here is to respond in a way that doesn’t make you look weak or defensive. At the heart of it all, all the tests other guys put you through are about respect. Just like the way women test you, men probe you for confidence and to see if you respect yourself. If you don’t respect yourself, you can’t earn their respect.
Think of how a pack of wolves will almost never attack another pack of wolves, but they will regularly pick and choose and attack the weakest link in the chain within their own group.
In short, by understanding this behavior, you’ll automatically know how to earn respect within a group of guys or a new social group, and stand your ground when tested. Trust yourself!
